I have some understanding of your nature and your Love. I want to talk to You. I'd like to ask you to listen to me. and if it be your will, correct me in your way.
It is true we are born only once, and we don't get the luxury of choosing our own parents. We accept our family members and through he years the memories and the Good somehow outweigh the hurts, disappointments and the dreaded Bad. Sometime it takes years, sometime forever.
The bad never really seems to go away. I have been trying to unload my baggage ( and others baggage) over the years and claim freedom from the hurts, sleepless nights, constant vigilence and the pain that life brings. Youm remember the crying and the begging.
I have given a lot of this to you God . I felt I had done well - for a time. Things were going well and life was more or less managable. Certainly not perfect, but tolerable. Old stuff started creeping back in and I have allowed my seething underlying anger to return.
I have been thinking andcpraying hard about this recently and I believe this is a result of 2 things 1) my frustration and resentment over unmet expectations I have on others ( probably unrealistic) and 2 ) my not being able to perform, remedy and improve.
I do feel I have the right to my opinions and I do , like other humans, have feelings and that is a fact. My feelings whatever they are, where ever they come from are real and should not be discounted or disregarded.
Am I not entitled to my feelings? I think NOT. I have often heard that it is NOT HEALTHY to stuff ones' feelings. I stuff it and eventually reach my saturation point .
God, help me. !! I feel so a l o n e . Don't let me be alone. In pray for Peace and Love and Understanding. God, if you can forgive me, why can't others? It seems the grudge and the "ancient" past is thrown back in my face . It brings me down. It takes me where I do not want to go. I can't speak.
Am I allowed to have boundaries? Others have Boundaries ! Expectations !
Why Can't I Have Boundaries and Expectations?
Why can't I Run Away, like those that run from me?
I suppose, the reason I feel so alone is that my anger has caused the most important people in my life to run away from me.
What is left for me?
Help me God-- I know you know my heart,
I know you have heard my prayer petitions for my family and loved ones.
My meditation time with you is important. I want to stay in that "place"
tuned in to you and your Son.
Old me needs to die, God. take me away.
God, My family thinks I am a phoney. Help me to know whart to say and how to get through.
Bless my family and keep them safe.
Forgive me, show me the way. About that do-over??